The Beginning to an End

I recently was intrigued by the different levels of aches and sufferings that different members of the human race go through. My mind then wandered off to a world where a different measure of happiness is also experienced by different people at different times. Something happened and it forced me to train my mind to counter every bad thought with a good one and see the beauty after the ugly, believe me, it's as hard as it sounds.
For years on end I have been question why I remember every single detail of a million encounters despite how long ago they happened or with which person, until Stephen King came to my rescue with the help of Paul Sheldon, 'Writers remember everything,' he said, 'especially the stories behind scars.' So I am sane and with the DNA to follow in Ngugi wa Thiong'o's footsteps that's great news right?
Upon this discovery I have decided to explore my mind for things I have been trying to bury deep down into my brains archives and I found a day, a moment I wish to savor for life thou it happened some years past. So everyday we start a new year we all know that right? This day was going to be the begging to the end of my greatest heart story and it is worth all the drama.
So on a day I can't mention lest my mother or God forbid my entire family discovered I wasn't doing what I was meant to be doing, the land of opportunity(Embu), presented me with an opportunity. I remember it like it was yesterday and maybe it was yesterday but you will never know now will you? I had been experiencing a certain form of anxiousness, you see the one you get when a television network advertises a movie you really want to see and then they say it will come after 3 days, or when The Real gives a teaser on Friday of their next show and Marlon Wayans (how I love creation) is the guest and you just cant wait to see it but its set to show on Monday? Nobody? Just me, OKAY. Any who, I had had that curiosity since January and now it was August.
         Imagine how bad my patience had suffered and yet I had to hold on, no wonder I snap so fast this days that had worn me out. Having stayed in a 2", metallic bed all day with a really pathetic excuse of a high-density mattress but blankets made in the better part of this earth which made everything warm and cosy, thanks to my host God bless her, I was too warm to want to leave the luxury so while all left for dinner I opted to listen to Rihanna's voice in a black big headed kid named Tuch, so laughing from how disturbing the English in Home is, I hear a knock. My heart begins to race, I knew who and I knew what was going to happen. Humility engulfs me and I say, 'come in' and in he came. I guess he was handsome at the time and I could see it, right now I can't comment so I plead the fifth.
    He walks towards the bed and with every single step he makes towards me I can't help but be thankful that wishes are fulfilled daily mine had just come true. Heavy built with a chest for days, hard and broad he sits down and gives me a warm hug, just what I needed. Outside its raining cats and dogs, the wind is crazy and thankfully that gives me time to you know, okay you don't, to catch up. Netflix and chill is just a notion, all we do is chill, after about 5minutes he leans in and my stomach tightens, I look at him and his eyes are locked with mine, we hold the meaningless stare which seemed quite meaningful at the moment and he breaks the silence, thank heavens because I ever talk too much and I could have spoilt everything.
'Can I kiss you?'
I smile and turn my head, not to be rude or anything and not reacting to anything other than my stomach which had the entire zoo in it at the moment and my mind which had a circus training in it. Out of sheer dumb luck he takes it for a feminine act of I don't know what, I am not that feminine, he hands cap my chin and he tilts my head to his liking, I let him. Being an alpha female makes it hard to submit to anything but with the way his eyes are glowing with passion all I want is to feel the heat in him on my lips. He stops for a moment for a stare, devil it!!! And then he continues, oooooh the trumpets, the melodies, the fireworks...the everything, our lips finally touch, the 8 month obsession is finally over, praise the heavens........
................................................to be continued

KARAOKE WITH BAE

Thursdays are usually really long days, no classes and definitely no chores, just books and probably a movie, if am lucky.Today was no different, being in campus is probably the most cliche place of all , you develop a routine and you stick to it for so long it automatically becomes who you are.My Robert Lundlum 'The Road to Omaha' is now torn in three different places, its not that I am careless, I have read this book for more than a month I just don't get it.
So I evade reading it and turn to a movie which sends me crying, The Fault in our Stars makes you cry no matter how much of a man you are, trust me,I know...! The day has been more disappointing than all other of its kind how to make it better? Ooh yes, I got it, I rush through my contact list so fast you'd think there were free bundles at the end of it, Meg, that karaoke song bird is going to make everything better. I dial, three beeps and she isn't picking up, what is going on? My day needs salvation.
"Hello," she answers like she just did me a favor by just picking up.
"Hey Meg, its Tessy, just wondering are you working karaoke tonight?"
"eeeeh, (scoffs na madharau) I was actually asleep so I can work better."
"sorreeee" I say noticing her dismissal.
"Hahahahaha, so that means you are coming, see you to night!" then she hangs up.
Half my plan is complete now I just need to get Bae to come with me so it will not be a lonely night. This will be a perfect night. He will come pick me up, it doesn't matter whether it is with a bicycle, a tri-cycle,(according to Stella those are real) maybe a motorbike or even a car( a girl can dream right?) All I know is that he is gentleman enough to do so.
One thing am sure about is that he'll be pissed because I will not be ready yet, but I know how to smoothen his frown. He love's it when he gets to pick out my outfit and so do I. It simply means that all through the nigh he will have his eyes on me.
I get ready fast, thanks to the secondary school system I went through. A perfect date night, at Karaoke we normally just sit and laugh at people make fun of themselves and I am usually okay with it, I don't get why you would do that but its okay. Today however, that handsome sexy beast gets on stage and he wants to sing but guess what? He can't sing even if his life depended on it. Meg walks towards me smiling, more like grinning at me mischievously. I hate it when she does that and my instincts agree, my heart contracts... this is not going to be good!
Bae starts singing and walking towards me, please note that at this particular moment and time I am dead, a gone case. Oooh ISHT! (pardon my french). He gets to me , takes my hand and walks me to the stage, he gives me a microphone than all hell breaks loose. I sing, Okay, hold up, I SING! Those who know me can attest to the fact that my voice is worse than my problem with mathematics and I am a (Daudi msalabani kind of chick)
Its not a big deal though, yesterday it would have been, today earlier on it would have been but at this moment and place it is not. People laugh, its only fair, I laugh at them but I don't even care. When I look into his beautiful, drowning, hazel eyes, the joy that comes from seeing me make a fool of myself is evident. He always says how much he hates it when I mind people's opinions. On that stage his opinion is all that  matters, the love I have for this man is greater than pride, deeper than shame and bigger than my ego.
Ooh for one tiny detail, Hey Bae, come out, come out wherever you are, see how am planning dates yet I don't even know you. Kindly show up before Meg stops doing karaoke.

THE REASON I AM A MAN

The question of identity is one of the most frequently asked questions. Now this leads people to fall into different categories as a form of self identification which in turn leads them to believe certain facts about themselves that are not even roughly right. Transgender is an issue I will never get to understand fully, I am African so the idea of a child coming home and telling their parents," Hey mum, dad, I think I should have been born a boy not a girl( or vice-versa)." I do not condone. Please do not quote me by saying that I categorized Africans as primitive thinkers, if fighting against what I think is religiously wrong is primitive then so be it.This only applies to me.
A short while back I read a book by John Eldredge,Wild at Heart and the caption at the bottom is what really got me interested. " discovering the secrets of a man's heart." Why you may ask? hold your peace am going to explain.
Just for clarification purposes for my confused readers, I am a woman, by all means necessary. I have however always had a problem with my male counterparts. The most frequent one being that I almost always want to grow a pair, not physically though. The other problem being that I cannot seem to keep one, if you know why, keep that one to yourself.This  book led me to a personal revelation, that I have a huge pair, I just never really noticed it.
All my short life I have always been excessively outspoken, I can already hear some of you nod in agreement, its okay I know. Growing up I identified myself with my father more that my mama dearest. While everyone walked around and visited people, my father sat at home and read a book, or scribbled something into his notebook, and that is who I wanted to be. Maybe its the aspect of uniqueness in masculinity that I
seek after because women are somewhat alike, again I said, SOMEWHAT.
According to my newly found word magician, Kamwega keep calm you are still my undisputed favorite blogger, gender is a matter of the spirit. Created by God in His own likeness yet He does not posses a physical body.
I am a man, in all ways but physically.
My father taught me to be a man and I think I am pulling it all fine.

I FORBID MYSELF

Many are times when life proves really unfair, most are the times when we are just passing by, when we have no control of what is happening around us and many are times when we actually have no idea. Psychologists would term it as a form of defense mechanism but that is just a fancy way of describing a certain form of weakness.
Now I had no idea what I was until at least three months had passed, to me I was emerging a victor, little did I know that my world would prove me wrong. Looking up the window I saw him, my ex, fling that is. I knew I was okay with not having him, I knew I could live without him but never for a second did I stop to inquire why I was so okay with the lose.
Am not all that great with reading people's minds so you can only imagine how much more worse I am at reading my own. A simple glimpse at a person can send you into a circle of a million thoughts. So there he was just a passerby, someone that I used to know but guess what i did not know how it felt to be without him.
Yes I knew how it was not to have him around but feel, not by a long shot!
 It had been a heavenly experience, having him with me, he made me feel perfect, and not because he did so much for me but because he was so imperfect in his dealings. When he left my world fell apart, not because I would miss him, but because I then figured out all I knew was a lie. I had been doing the one thing I hated most in life, lying. Lying to myself.
I had created a make-believe kind of world where perfection was the only thing I knew now.But if he was man enough to pretend to love me then he was man enough to pretend to be imperfect. This was only a re-occurrence of an event so many times experienced before and I knew how it felt. His promised to ache a little bit more, he had been my cryptonite.
I had forbidden myself to feel, too many were times when I had allowed myself to feel and it took more time to heal a wound and I was too busy for such. You know those relationships where you take longer to mend a broken heart than it took to actually date someone? Well that is my perfect description of hell.
Thoughts found themselves wandering into the world will li
ve in, in every situation in life we have to chose,Flight or Fight? How many times do you accept things as they are given simply because you cannot afford to look for the facts. the situation might get worse, you may end up with things that are too much to handle so you choose to run. In my situation for instance, what happens if those emotions I have locked away decide that enough was enough? I would crumble, I would fall apart, my world would fall into pieces. sometimes its better to suck it up and face whatever comes your way but am not going to do that. frankly I am planning to run as fast as my feet could allow me.